I’m back… I guess I need to finish this for me… so much I feel the need to get out and so much of me feels like I will never get it all out. I have a few things I want to do with this today though and I hope I can find the time. First off… this morning has been funny, sad, heart breaking… I was cleaning out my email stuff and decided to go through my dad’s folder. Ok… let me wait on that so I can get out this other stuff… but I will get to that, I apologize my mind is all over the place so I just need to focus…
My father has passed, and now what? I did not know. I have never had to do anything like this. Meeting the funeral home with my uncles and getting the sticker shock… My uncles and I got to sit and try to explain to a stranger “who” my father was… as you can see from the picture in the last blog and I will add it here too…
they did a good job I think, my father if nothing did not know how to do anything half way. Then the feeling of guilt picking out a coffin when you do not want to look at price and feel cheap, but what choice do you have? I mean honestly I know my dad would have not given a rat’s tail. But everyone who comes knows my dad, and well if I am the one who has to make the decisions on how to send him off, and my decisions affect how everyone sees him for the last time… oh god… talk about pressure… then there it was… something that actually had “Blue” in the name… talking to my uncles and we all kind of smiled and agreed. It felt really good to have someone to share that with, to know I was not alone in thinking that it was a good choice.
Now back to his house, my uncle and I needed to go through some paperwork to attempt to try to find a will, I really prayed there was a will. So much easier that way, we found the life insurance policy and found titles and deeds… even found a blank do it yourself will kit… but no will… I hope and pray even harder that this goes smoothly. I would give anything to give this over to someone else, but it is my father, my responsibility, and I try to never give anyone else my burdens. It was mine… he was mine… and I will do it.
Everyone has gone home to rest, I am sitting there at the table with what feels like a mound of papers in front of me… call this person call that one… stop this card, freeze this account… spell my name correctly again for the person who is getting it wrong again for the 3rd time… I am numb to “I am so sorry to hear about your loss… we send our deepest condolences…” from the people on the phone who do not know me and are looking at a computer screen. I understand they may even mean it, but I am in robot mode, I have a job to do, I have to finish dad’s business matters he had a good name and it will stay that way. I will make sure his bills are paid and I will close out every single account in good standing. I will see that done no matter what.
Sitting back looking around I would have given anything to have him there… I don’t want his stuff… I don’t care how much things cost, I don’t care how much anything is worth… none of it is worth what I would give to have him take me shoot, to have him take me hunting for my first time, to go back and start over and be the son I should have been… none of this shit can touch any of that. The value any of it holds to me is that it was his, my dad’s… knowing he had picked this out or that out to go do things he enjoyed; I want to pick up where he left off…
During this time I had a lot of people helping me emotionally through this stuff friends from NC, old friends from Ohio, family… and of course Facebook that I could not keep up with.
It was that night I got to unwind a little I think, I went to an old friend’s house. Met her husband and her kids, I got to smile a little at their interaction because it was just a typical family with teenagers lol it felt good to smile and just have a few beers. To just talk and get it out… her husband and family were awesome and it really was a great help. But then it was time to go… time to go back to my father’s house… my house…
Once again sitting and looking at the bills, and accounts, looking in the fridge and seeing the stuff. He had been in the hospital for almost a month before he passed, it was as if in his house his life was just paused, except you can’t pause produce and meat and the stuff growing in the fridge. Just looking around I really did not know where to start and my mind is always all over the place anyway that did not help much. I fell asleep, kinda, in his chair looking as some of his pictures.
Well it is viewing day… ok I am stopping this here, I have been very busy and I have not had time to finish this. I wrote that last bit well over a week ago, and it seems as I go further and further away from events, the foggier it all seems. A lot went on, many nights alone in his house with a lot to still do; I would have given anything to ask his advice on stuff. But so would have a million other people who lost loved ones… so I am going to change direction… I have a poem I wrote a long long time ago after watching a movie. Something about the final scene of the movie struck a chord in me and I just had to write something. I had not written anything in such a long long time. At least not a poem like this, I used to write poems all the time, but this was just out of nowhere so to speak. But the more I think about it… there was a man, who knew he was going to die, he knew it was coming and he sat up and looked out at space and saw beauty one last time before he was gone. He did not hide from it he did not freak out and cry, he stood up, faced it, and let it take him. My father was told he was dieing… he did not lose his mind, he even had the option to eat and drink anything he wanted knowing it would hurt, knowing if he did and they upped the meds he would not be able to talk to us as he was. And all he asked for was ice chips… he faced it… so this is something I have never felt I needed to dedicate to anyone… but somehow this just fits. So this is for my Dad, written well before his death or even knowing he was going to die, but now knowing it just fits. He was a Leo… just like me… all this time I never put that together, but it makes sense.
Moonlight surrounds me as I breathe in the stars this night
Evening dew settles on my skin as I am afraid to move
Droplets whispering to me telling me the secrets of heaven
I stand transfixed, drawn to a distant point, a place among the stars
I cannot see it nor have I been there but my heart feels as if it knows the way
I stand spellbound in a dreamy state as I am afraid to close my eyes
Time passes and I have seen a million shooting stars
Each time gone before my mind can register their existence
Each time only leaving a ghostlike impression in my mind
But the one star I seek, though I cannot see it, I know it is there
I can feel it calling to me… pulling me
and I am scared to look away
Keeping my eyes fixated on the heavens I feel as if the cosmos is mine
I am the lion among the stars, the king of this jungle
A warrior in my own mind, and yet… I am scared to look away
Soft droplets of dew fall on me
Gently kissing my skin…
They are tears cried by stars long gone
as they land they turn to ice on my skin
a frost that covers my eternal soul
even with frosted eyes I never look away
Brilliant blinding light starting as a pin point growing as vast as an ocean
Bringing the fire of life as it heats my body until the frost just melts away
Basking in its glory I stand as naked as my soul, without protection, only trust
The star has come full circle
Bringing life to a dark cold place
A phoenix bursting forth in the night
To my knees I fall as I bask in the glory of the prize
A soul laid bare before its maker
Searching for answers and finding them
I am now home
I am now happy
I am finally free
As I read this again but with my father in mind tears come to my eyes… how perfect it is to me, how fitting… if to no one else but me, it just fits. Now I had also been reading over some of the emails he had sent me over the years, I had never put them together in this way before because really for the most part I mainly got some great jokes and funny work friendly forwards… my co-workers loved them too I can’t tell you how many time I would send something on and I would get a reply, “that came from your dad didn’t it?” That would always make me laugh.
But aside from the funny stuff I put together his other emails… normally never than like 10 lines, he was not much of an email guy. Like this one from 2010 I don’t remember what I had said I guess it was me trying to apologize for being an ass as a kid… but re reading this made me feel good:
From: Blue [mailto:email@example.com] Sent: Tuesday, April 20, 2010 1:15 PM To: Bacskay, Douglas (TS) Subject:
Having just received your e-mail, I feel a responsibility to let you know. I don’t think your a loser,
and I don’t believe you have to atone for past sins. Your a good man Douglas, a good husband and
father. You may have been a bit slow growing up, but you had terrible influences and role models
when you were young. That’s more my fault than yours, place the blame where it belongs. You have
made me proud, through hard work and determination you’ve proved your self, not with words, but
your actions. Don’t ever believe yourself unworthy, and don’t get too full of yourself. Life is tough
enough without setting ourselves for the falls.
And then there were other that were just odd for even him but make me smile… he could be a strange cat sometimes but I would have not had it any other way…
From: D Bacskay [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org] Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 9:46 AM To: Bacskay, Douglas (QM/H) Subject: [RMX:##] hello son
I just thought I’d take a moment to say hi. Everyone up here is healthy and doing well. I,ve been going to a lot of shoots this summer,and I’m
shooting pretty good. The boat is in the water, and I,ve been spending time at my camper. Its been a busy summer.
Theres a powerful thunderstorm blowing outside,its been rather dry year, so we need the rain. This has been a good year for crops and
flowers. We,ve been eating sweet corn and tomatoes for afew weeks now, and it’s the sweetest in years.
I was very happy to see you get your own house. By now you must have that feeling of home and responsonsability that you cant get from a
rental. There’s something about sitting on your porch, looking across your yard, at the flowers you planted. You somehow feel more rooted to the
land. I think I’m babbling.
Happy birthday last week, How does is it feel to be middle aged. I’ll bet fifteen years ago, you didn’t think you’d be standing in the shoes that
you are now. Today I start the fifty-eighth year of my life, what a strange trip it’s been, most eventful.
It’s time for breakfast,and I’m hungry for a biscuit.
MY LOVE ALWAYS
AM I TYPING TOO LOUD ?
There is another email I will share too but I am going to take parts of it out because it talks about someone else and it’s just not something I want out there like that… for me it is the stuff he write for me directly that are important to me now…
From: David Bacskay [mailto:email@example.com] Sent: Wednesday, September 11, 2013 8:57 AM To: Bacskay, Douglas (US/BA-FAT) Subject: [RMX:#] hey
My pride in you is huge , you are a good housband and father and a selfless, charitable man. I have been
watching facebook, because it’s the best way to follow your ride from a thousand miles away.The pride in
Kayla’s face was literally glowing in those pictures.
I look forward to my next visit, i hope to be back in the spring again.
That last one really hits me… I will post the picture I think he was talking about with my daughter and myself it was one of my favorites.
But reading these I am happy to know that I really do not have any doubts what he felt, I am so blessed to be able to look back in a way so many others are not. And no matter how bad things were in the start, in the end is all that matters and my father was one who did not put up with bullshit from anyone. So for him to say these things he meant them… and he felt it. And well I just wish I could tell him thank you. For not giving up and being able to see what was good in me, even when I was still struggling to find it in myself… even when I was pushing to find that next thing to do to prove I was a good and strong person. He already knew, and believed in me.
Then there was when I did Mt. Mitchell one of the few big big rides I have done that was not a charity ride… this one was for me. The guy who has had so many knee surgeries on both knees, who had gained and lost weight and struggled to keep it off every time… who just felt like a fat guy struggling to keep it together most of the time. That ride was going to be for me… well I did it… and he noticed in another of his exceptionally long emails lol
From: David Bacskay [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org] Sent: Thursday, May 22, 2014 2:03 PM To: Bacskay, Douglas (US/BA-FAT) Subject: congrats
From your facebook postings, i knew you did the mt. mitchell. I did’nt know if you had made it to the
top till now. I always knew you could do it, wheather you would make it all the way to the top was my
only concern. That was quite an accomplishment, there are things in your life you will always remember
without regret, this is one of them. You have much to be proud of.
The true test of a man is’nt measured by how he acts normally ,but how he reacts in the face of
adversity.You showed great inner strength, it does’nt matter what position you finished in, you perservered.
Theres no such thing as giving 110%, you can give all you have and no more, you gave everything!!